Trust Issues
Trust is really something I have to work on. I guess it'll be awhile before it restores itself. But then again, when have I reallly had it.
I think back to my time at Lake Ann. For those of you who are unfamiler, It is a camp that I used to go to with my churches youth group. It was really a fantastic expierence, but that is for another time.
The thing is, every week that we went, we always got a little postcard to write a note to ourselfs in the following years. Every single year, you got the card at around the same time. There was one specific year that I remeber what I wrote on that card. That year I was going through a lot of stuff. I don't know what, but I rember at camp on that card I wrote a goal on trusting people, Trusting God.
You see, I got that card the following school year and I threw it out. In my mind, I guess I was just trying to act tough, cause I am a guy you know. Society teaches us to you know, stay hush about how you feel.
The following years passed, and I finally gained my trust back. I then shared what I had been going through with one of my social workers I had in school (not the DCFS kind, just a school social worker) about some of the dreams that I had been having for awhile. She called my parents, and they treated me differently. I told them that these dreams were just dreams, and that they were not of much important. Let me say this, I know that she was trying to help.
Then the same thing happened my sophmore year in high school. We were talking about sucide prevention in health class, and the teacher opened up a part of his past. I won't ever forget it, but I will keep that information classified. I shared my thoughts about the whole class period with my school social worker, and she confronted the teacher. I walked into our meeting the following week. knowing that I would probably unless it was super important, share my feelings and my emotions with a school social worker. Again I know that she was doing her job.
Over the years, I started to learn to bury my issues because I had trouble trusting people. I can barely count all the holes on my fingers. I mean what else am I supposed to do. There are still some areas of my mind I will probably never open up about. Those are in a seprate pile reserved for God, and maybe my significant other.
Recently this blog has helpped me with several of my issues, like the nightmares that I used to have, and still do today. You see, every single one of these series that I write are different aspects of my nightmares. For instance, True Blue is an example of a combination of several of my nightmares. The most common of these events were dreams about school shootings (its not that I do not think that school is safe) in my High School, and the Schools around me. In every single one of these Dreams, if I wasn't the Kevin in the dream, one of my friends were. The fact that it was my friends, was the most terrifying of all of these. I remember one of these so vividly that I can visualize it, and I could write an entire part of True Blue specifically based on that one scene My stomach gets whozzy every time I think about it.
Even though I can share these things with you all, I still have trouble sharing them with my friends and family. I think it has something to do with being a example for those of you that read this blog that maybe younger than me. I want you all to know that that is how I feel this blog got started, so I could have some kid look at the stuff that I am posting and be like "wow. This author is amazing. I want to be like him someday. He is embracing his weaknesses, and trying to show that it can get better."
This leads me to today, I have recently yet again had my trust in someone shatter yet again. The good thing is though that we reconnected, and now things are better. Right now, I need to focus on rebuilding myself, and getting back to the me of my Freshman year of college. Unshaken, Unafraid, and confident. I would hope that you all will join me in this process.
Trust is a really terrifying thing for me. I am going to use an example that one of my youth pastors used in youth group, so I do not own the rights. Trusting someone is like handing one of your friends this glass heart (Imagine a glass heart here). So fragile, and it can break with a single wrong movement. But if you put your trust in the right person, or thing, it can forge a bond so strong that it cannot be broken.
So, if I have trouble putting my trust in people, or things what could I put my trust in? The answer may seem a little sunday school-ish. If you put your trust in Jesus, like that glass heart, it will not shatter if your faith is strong enough.
- David
I think back to my time at Lake Ann. For those of you who are unfamiler, It is a camp that I used to go to with my churches youth group. It was really a fantastic expierence, but that is for another time.
The thing is, every week that we went, we always got a little postcard to write a note to ourselfs in the following years. Every single year, you got the card at around the same time. There was one specific year that I remeber what I wrote on that card. That year I was going through a lot of stuff. I don't know what, but I rember at camp on that card I wrote a goal on trusting people, Trusting God.
You see, I got that card the following school year and I threw it out. In my mind, I guess I was just trying to act tough, cause I am a guy you know. Society teaches us to you know, stay hush about how you feel.
The following years passed, and I finally gained my trust back. I then shared what I had been going through with one of my social workers I had in school (not the DCFS kind, just a school social worker) about some of the dreams that I had been having for awhile. She called my parents, and they treated me differently. I told them that these dreams were just dreams, and that they were not of much important. Let me say this, I know that she was trying to help.
Then the same thing happened my sophmore year in high school. We were talking about sucide prevention in health class, and the teacher opened up a part of his past. I won't ever forget it, but I will keep that information classified. I shared my thoughts about the whole class period with my school social worker, and she confronted the teacher. I walked into our meeting the following week. knowing that I would probably unless it was super important, share my feelings and my emotions with a school social worker. Again I know that she was doing her job.
Over the years, I started to learn to bury my issues because I had trouble trusting people. I can barely count all the holes on my fingers. I mean what else am I supposed to do. There are still some areas of my mind I will probably never open up about. Those are in a seprate pile reserved for God, and maybe my significant other.
Recently this blog has helpped me with several of my issues, like the nightmares that I used to have, and still do today. You see, every single one of these series that I write are different aspects of my nightmares. For instance, True Blue is an example of a combination of several of my nightmares. The most common of these events were dreams about school shootings (its not that I do not think that school is safe) in my High School, and the Schools around me. In every single one of these Dreams, if I wasn't the Kevin in the dream, one of my friends were. The fact that it was my friends, was the most terrifying of all of these. I remember one of these so vividly that I can visualize it, and I could write an entire part of True Blue specifically based on that one scene My stomach gets whozzy every time I think about it.
Even though I can share these things with you all, I still have trouble sharing them with my friends and family. I think it has something to do with being a example for those of you that read this blog that maybe younger than me. I want you all to know that that is how I feel this blog got started, so I could have some kid look at the stuff that I am posting and be like "wow. This author is amazing. I want to be like him someday. He is embracing his weaknesses, and trying to show that it can get better."
This leads me to today, I have recently yet again had my trust in someone shatter yet again. The good thing is though that we reconnected, and now things are better. Right now, I need to focus on rebuilding myself, and getting back to the me of my Freshman year of college. Unshaken, Unafraid, and confident. I would hope that you all will join me in this process.
Trust is a really terrifying thing for me. I am going to use an example that one of my youth pastors used in youth group, so I do not own the rights. Trusting someone is like handing one of your friends this glass heart (Imagine a glass heart here). So fragile, and it can break with a single wrong movement. But if you put your trust in the right person, or thing, it can forge a bond so strong that it cannot be broken.
So, if I have trouble putting my trust in people, or things what could I put my trust in? The answer may seem a little sunday school-ish. If you put your trust in Jesus, like that glass heart, it will not shatter if your faith is strong enough.
- David