Soul Searching: A Reflection
I also hope that some people look at this article, and find a new hope. One that does more than what one man can do.
If I had a time machine, and I could go back and get a re-do of the past several years, I would. Last night I was just laying awake until 2:00 in the morning just reflecting on many things, and this being the start of Lent (the season of anticipation for Jesus's arrival in Jerusalm for Holy week. I felt like this would be the best time to release some of my thoughts that have been going through my mind recently. As I said at the beginning of this article, I am not doing this to show how "holy" and how "religious" I am. This is going to be real. I know that some of you who have read this blog for some time know about my testimony. This is not going to be a testimony, This is just a journey through the past several years, and the stuff that I have had bouncing around in my head. If you want to know a specific time frame, This is going to be a reflection on the time of my life that has taken place since 2014. Those who are counting may realize that this is a look back at only 2 years, and quite honestly, a lot has happened since that time.
In 2014, I graduated from high school. Everything was going right. I got accepted at my dream college, I declared a major looking at an area bigger than myself. I was going to be going into Christian Ministries. More specifically, an emphasis in Children's Ministry. The summer was fantastic. I got to live at a major high point until later in the summer when my mom got cancer. She went into surgery and after sometime she beat it and we had a fantastic vacation that capped off a great summer. Then later on in August, I lost my Grandma to Cancer, and I am honestly super happy that she lived to see me and my sister graduate to different chapters of our lives.
During my Freshman year, everything seemed to be going great until the midterm's of the fall semester. I felt like I was doing great until I started looking at my grades, and they didn't seem to be reflecting me well. I had a breakdown in my dads office, feeling like a failure. Starting to doubt who I was as a person. Then after crying for around an hour and a half, I started contemplating - with some encouragement from my father - what I could do to change the trajectory of where I was heading. We decided to talk to the USSC (University Student Success Center) and get some help with some time management skills.
After that, everything started to change for the better. Except for my spiritual life. It got to the point to where I went and talked to one of my professors, and told her I felt like my spiritual life was not where it should be. In my own words I told her over lunch "I feel like I am spirtually dead inside." She prayed for me, and it helped out. With Gods help I started doing daily devotions over at a place that was isolated from the rest of campus.
A couple of months passed and my grades started to slip again, and this time I was falling behind and it was ugly. Over what was supposed to be a fantastic Thanksgiving break, Things turned sour. My house could have been used as reality soap opera show on NBC. It really wasn't all bad though. I got caught up speedily, and everything smoothed over. At least until the next break. That was the story of my life for the first semester of freshman year.
Second semester was a little bit better because I had something to look forward to. I was on the student leadership team at my college, on a program called EKL. Towards the end of second semester we put on the 360 conference which took up a lot of time, and me being the dreamer that I am got caught up in the production of things and the little details. Trust me, I have a notebook full of ideas that I had for the conference (Its right above my desk). With that, I got caught up with everything and my grades started to slip again. At my school, my grades were being unpredictable. I remember one night completely breaking down in the chapel, just crying out to God about what was going on. In a series of weird events inside the chapel he told me to wait for the conference. So, I did.
After the conference God put it on my heart to pursue student ministry, rather than children's ministry. So I got caught up in the details again. After some time leading into the next semester I had a ministry plan drafted, several different plausible locations to start it up. In general, It was a radio station called Changed FM (those who read my blog know I have recommended it before. Its on Spotify. Look it up if you want) but this was way more than just a radio station.
It was a first of its kind, Christian - Secular (I hate this word) variety station that plays clean music, with an outreach program to 5th grade to seniors in college. As the vision started to come together, school started to take somewhat of a, as much as I hate to say it, Back seat. I was still doing school, but I would have rather been out there in the field.
Then after many months of contemplation with some thoughts put in from my mom and dad, I decided that the first semester of my Sophomore year was going to be my last at Trinity. I took this decision very heavily, and with a sad heart, I decided that it may be best for me.
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But, as I look back on that point in my life, I continue to wonder if I made the best decision even though my head continues to remind my heart that it was the right decision. Ever since that point, I have been unsure of where I have been and where I am and where I need to be. That I feel was the spark of an indecisive, anxious, undecided student. My mind and my heart are continuing to disagree on many things, and it is getting to the point where I end up laying awake in my bed for hours on end just trying to decide where to go, unsure of where the next turn is going to be.
Honestly, it is really scary not knowing where I am going to be in immediate future. I still go back and fourth between majors and tracks to go on to get to a specific point, and honestly I still do not know.
Last night, as I was laying awake I got the question in my head, if I had a time machine what would I do with it, especially within the last several semesters. In the context of the time machine, I keep questioning what could I do if I went back in time to 2014, and maybe even the years prior. Honestly, I wish I could say that I had no regrets, but the truth is I do. I wish I should have spent more time doing Homework. I wish I should have not put all my eggs in one basket, and kept my options open. I wish I just handed God the keys.
The truth, as hard as it is to look back at my life and reflect on the things I have done, I can't change time because it keeps marching forward. But the one thing I know I can do is trust God to pull things together. I may not see what is to come in the immediate future, but I do know that God is coming back in the long term, and that is something to look forward to. Thank you!
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