Suffocating
Don't Get me wrong, I love my Family. I really do but sometimes it feels like I am suffocating. That is what this is about. I'm Suffocating, and I need a never-ending Source of Air. That is explained later in this Song, Rap, Poem or Whatever you want to call it.
I see all these books, all these things to accomplish. I take the time to ask What's the point? Then, antisipating a sharp tounged response and much to my surprise, I only get met with one of the most powerful wepons: Silence.
A sufficating silence, I stand still, start to look at my options, but none of them seem to meet what I need. I start to panic, go up to my room, to you know, get some room, let my mind contemplate what goes on, but it is like I am not meant to be in this situation. But that doesn't happen because you can't let me have time to reflect. I search my brain and I am only met with silence. I attempt to breath, but all this knowledge that I am gaining is stuff that I don't even see myself doing, so I am searching for a reason to continue this journey.
Time passes. I head downstairs Only to get told the usual. I just stand there, so tired of getting told the same old thing. The words pirece me and shake me to my core. This is what you are supposed to do. I look up to God just to see what he says because my heart - MY HEART - keeps going against what is told to me from all sides.
I am so tired of just standing still, struggeling to breath, I keep going because that is what is excpected. I press on. Hoping for some oxygen. When I do get some , I keep thinking why do I just have to the ordinary? It's like this air is unhealthy! It contiues to clog up my lungs, I close my eyes and open them. Take a look around. I go on a walk, and hope to get some fresh air - going up to gulp some real air. For those 20 minutes I feel free, like I can breath for forever, stretch my wings and feel like I can fly - but then I come back to my reality.
I come back, hold my breath trying to see what lasts. I then ask why, but when I open my mouth and attempt to breath, it dosen't work and when I have something to say, or answer your question, it seems like you shut me out! Even if I am getting to answering your question. These books and papers with your help are going to be the end of me. I understand that you want to help me. I really do, but sometimes the way you say things causes my mind to drift, and look at what I hope for the end, and it starts to fade. My oxygen levels continue to fall. What is it going to take?
Does it want my soul? Does it want my heart? I do know it wants my lungs because it continues to suck out the air. Is this going to be the end of me? Maybe it is. I know some people aren't ment to be in school, but am I one? Was this last year a waste? How about that whole year and a half at Trinity?
It could be, because I just can't seem to get that vision out of my mind no matter what people say. David, That is not you. You can't do this. It's to big. Think in steps. I think to myself, really, what does this have to do with that? I should be at least going in the direction of the goal, but it feels like I am going the oppisite direction.
The oppisite direction? Really! If this is what you call pursueing dreams, you have no idea! Just give me some time to cool off, and when I come back to reality, the only thing I feel is pursuing my dreams is at Church, and some days that feels like that is not even working towards it. I see where I want to go. God is that you guideing me that direction, or is that me being me?!
Even when I try to forget my dreams, they are still there. That is what you want right? Because it's to big?! I am seriously giong to explode if I keep getting told what I can and can't do. That is what is sufficating me. I can't even breathe because all this stuff that is getting shoved in my mind and my mouth is killing me.
My eyes seem to have lost their glow, my confidence is starting to drop, my voice is losing its strength. Is that what you want? If so, you are succedding!
I go back up for air, I reach up to try and reach a shore of some kind, but it is always out of reach. Am I doing the right thing? If so, it feels like it may not be worth it.
Are You here God? Do you here my Cries? I continue to call wait for a responce, but nothings coming. When did I turn into this Dark place? When did it start? After a time, the questions contiue to come out of my mouth.
Oh Lord! My soul keeps crying out for advice, but me being intreverted me is holding it in. I fake a smile, so that people can see me as confident. But inside I am crying out, trying to find someone to vent to. I try to be a sounding board, I really do, but are all those feelings and emotions coming inside my heart, or am I a wreck right now? Is it music that is putting me in this place? I do not know.
Do I hold back for fear of judgement? Is that it? I really have no idea! Lord, I really need you right now.
I know that you have the breath of life in you. I want some of that! Please God! I know that will give me the strength to push through.
