The Safe Room (Guilt)

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Note: This is a trip into one of the darkest parts of my brain, and this is really scary for me to open this door, but this is real.  Something that I actually deal with every once in awhile.  This is actually my first time opening this door into my mind.  I was debating whether or not to write a story about this, but then I realized no allegory could do this justice.  I am shedding actual tears as I write this, so please understand that this is hard for me to put out there.  I pray that God uses this in more ways than I could ever imagine.  This representation was inspired By NF's Mansion.

My mind is like a mansion.  There are several rooms inside, layered into three levels.  Everyone sees my main floor, some people see my room, and fewer people see my basement.  Inside that basement, there is a storage room, and then the saferoom, that no one is allowed in.  

 The storage room is where all of my best friends get to see, but in there I hide this safe room that no one gets entry into, unless they have an all-access pass.  That hasn't happened and probably won't unless I am betrothed, but you all are getting the VIP Tour.

 Ok here goes.  I hesitate at first but then decide I am just going to deal with it, and the backlash if any occurs ( I pray that that doesn't happen)
___________________________

Welcome to my storage room, I'll show you around.

You say "wow this all great" but, isn't there more?

I reply of course come this way.

Over here is my safe room.  Let me show you around-
or not- but my mom says to let the emotions show-
nope- I got this
Get out of my head you fool.

I take my hand make a fist 1 2 you out

now follow me and try to be

open minded

this is my saferoom I hope you enjoy  I open the door.  Come on, File in.

Over here are some of my darkest memories.  over here is My friend Justin and Babysitter
Justin got sick and passed on, while my babysitter got into a bad bike accident, never to walk again.  But that is just the beginning.

Now this way is the body of my friend Doug who I could have helped but I didn't know what was going on
He had an emotional breakdown you see, but I never listened or took the time to care.  He always walked around with a smile on his face, but that smile got washed away.
He is probably in an emotional rehabilitation center somewhere, working through the emotion that got away.

Continuing on the tour, the next shelf is really quite simple.  The word "Pulse"  is written on it.  You all probably know what happened there right?  You see a few weeks before that I prayed for something to happen that showed that people who live a different lifestyle rather than straight were invincible.  Not wanting anybody to be killed, however, but look where that went.

Over here is a picture of my grandmother.  She died of cancer years ago, but I still will never forget it.  I really didn't cry at her funeral, or say I loved her the last time I saw her.  The thing is though after we met for the last time I prayed for a quick death, not bearing the image of her struggling and fighting hard.  She died two days later.

Now coming up over here on my left is when I started to have self-doubts and all those times where I wasted your breaks from work, represented by trophies.  Organized by year and the amount of guilt that I felt.

We are nearing the end now, but as we get closer we are reaching the more recent.  You see whenever I feel I am letting someone down, I just shove it down into this back corner.  It is invincible to the eye when you enter the room but it is there when I close the door.  The box is over there and currently overflowing.

I really need to clean this room up, but I will get to it when I open the door to the saferoom that hardly anyone gets to go into. But that would mean that I would have to face this room of guilt, that suffacates me every now and again.
__________________________________________

Thus concludes your tour.  Plese fill out a review on yelp and give me a few stars.  I know that this may be hard for some of you but I hope it helps you understand, Everything is not as it seems.  I know I need to give these up to the one who is all knowing and able to understand the struggles that you and I have.

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